


The Great Enterprise Bake Off

by frondescence (axeljeldridge)



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Great British Bake Off Fusion, Crack Crossover, Fluff and Crack, Gen, captain's logs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:48:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26225182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/axeljeldridge/pseuds/frondescence
Summary: "The preliminary data was correct; Gabos has developed a replicated society based on Terran television. Uhura tells me the specific television program is from the late 2010s, a show called the “Great British Bake Off.” The Bakers, as they call themselves, have modeled their entire society after this television show, causing an emphasis on competition, humor, and, well, baking."The crew of the Enterprise must win the Bake Off to win a necessary material to repair the ship's engines, but none of them have eaten anything but replicator food for at least three years! Told through logs and internal communications logs (aka texts).
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15
Collections: Star Trek Bingo Summer 2020





	The Great Enterprise Bake Off

FEDERATION MEMO SD2358792 / STARDATE 3254.23  
TO: STARSHIP USS ENTERPRISE, ATTN: CPT. JAMES T. KIRK, LT. NYOTA UHURA  
MEMO BEGIN  
BACKGROUND  
The planet of Gabos experienced a nuclear winter several hundred years ago which resulted in the total collapse of their society. The Federation has received data, however, indicating that they have rebuilt themselves to a relatively sophisticated level, and are expected to develop interplanetary travel in the next decade. Given that the Federation planet Ysdolik is also in their system, the Enterprise is being given orders to gather information on Gabos’ society so that a Federation Integration Plan can be developed.   
Preliminary data collected by the Labov Probe indicate a Class 4 civilization and possible contamination from Terran media via radio waves. Indications of a replicated or mirror society are present, though as of yet unconfirmed. Specifications on which aspects of Terran media constitute the possible influence are unavailable, though it is likely the influence has arisen from television broadcasts.  
ORDERS  
Plot course to Gabos at conclusion of current mission, Priority 2. Collect atmospheric and radio data upon orbit entry, report to Starbase 63 Station 24.1, ATTN: LT. Eric Abrasori. Send landing party down once sufficient data to determine unobtrusive entry point. Avoid direct contact with inhabitants unless absolutely necessary, as per Federation Codes 1.4A.3 and 71.2B.8. Collect data on inhabitant biology, language, and societal structure. Determine leadership hierarchy if possible.   
If direct contact is made, contact Starbase 63 Station 11.4 immediately for extraction and damage control. A full report from the Captain and Chief Cultural Specialist is expected at the conclusion of the mission.  
\--  
CAPTAIN’S LOG, STARDATE 3256.17 / CPT. JAMES T. KIRK   
The Enterprise has entered orbit around the planet of Gabos, but in our transit here, a crucial component of our engines was damaged and is in need of repair. Scans indicate that the material needed is present on the surface of Gabos, but it seems to be centralized in the civilized portions of the planet, posing a risk for contact. I am sending a landing party consisting of myself, Dr. McCoy, Mr. Spock, and Mr. Scott first, to be followed by a secondary cultural research party of Lt. Uhura, Lt. Sulu, and Nurse Chapel. Mr. Chekov is to remain in charge of the bridge in my absence.  
\--  
INTERNAL COMMUNICATOR TRANSMISSION LOG, STARDATE 3256.26   
CPT. J.T. KIRK PAGING USS ENTERPRISE: I need our two best cooks to beam down immediately.  
P. CHEKOV PAGING J.T. KIRK: What do you mean?  
CPT. J.T. KIRK PAGING USS ENTERPRISE: Whoever the two people are on board who are the best at cooking, send them down immediately. I don’t have time to explain.  
P. CHEKOV PAGING J.T. KIRK: But, Captain, how do I know–  
CPT. J.T. KIRK PAGING USS ENTERPRISE: Just send Yeoman Rand and come down yourself, Chekov. Hurry!  
P. CHEKOV PAGING J.T. KIRK: Yes sir.  
\--  
CAPTAIN’S LOG, RETROSPECTIVE, STARDATE 3262.98 / CPT. JAMES T. KIRK   
I have finally returned to the Enterprise after two weeks on the surface of Gabos. Goodness, where to begin. The preliminary data was correct; Gabos has developed a replicated society based on Terran television. Uhura tells me the specific television program is from the late 2010s, a show called the “Great British Bake Off.” The Bakers, as they call themselves, have modeled their entire society after this television show, causing an emphasis on competition, humor, and, well, baking.   
We quickly realized after beaming down that there would be no way to acquire the diranium needed to fix the engines without interacting with the Bakers. Regardless, however, we were unable to escape notice due to their surprisingly sophisticated planet-wide broadcasting system; apparently, they had been aware of our orbit around their planet since shortly after we arrived. They took us to their court, a pleasant early 21st century kitchen under a large plastic and canvas tent. There we met their two leaders, who they call Paul and Prue. They welcomed us but explained that the diranium we needed was actually contained within culturally prized possessions, called a “Cake Stand.” In order to obtain one of these, we would have to win a competitive baking challenge against some of their citizens, in what they term a “Bake Off.”  
They entreated us to bring two additional candidates, who I chose to be Mr. Chekov and Yeoman Rand. Once they arrived, they sent us into The Tent, a kind of arena filled with 12 stations containing antiquated cooking materials such as a convection oven and an electromagnetic cooktop. They explained that we would be asked to cook a certain type of food, in what they termed a “technical challenge.” They provided three contestants of their own; whoever was the last remaining contestant would win the Cake Stand and thus, the diranium.   
\--  
FIRST OFFICER’S LOG, RETROSPECTIVE, STARDATE 3262.98 / LT. S’CHIN T’GAI SPOCK  
The Judges indicated that The Hosts, called Noel and Sandi, should lead the proceedings. They explained the first challenge thusly:   
“Your first challenge will be to bake a cake. Since you are aliens, we understand that baking may be a foreign concept to you. Therefore, we will start with something easy. Paul and Prue would like you to make a classic chocolate sponge cake with vanilla buttercream. Ready, set, start!”  
Each crew member made their own version of the cake based on instructions provided by the Judges and their own knowledge. As may be expected, several of the cakes were inedible; Captain Kirk and Lt. Chekov both performed notably badly, with the Captain’s cake coming out entirely uncooked and with Chekov’s being entirely too bitter and dry, on account of too much cocoa powder being added. Dr. McCoy and Yeoman Rand both received commendations for their cakes; I, being unable to eat chocolate on account of my Vulcan heritage, cannot comment on the fact.   
Captain Kirk was the first to be eliminated, much to his chagrin.  
\--  
INTERNAL COMMUNICATIONS LOG, STARDATE 3263.13 / CPT. JAMES T. KIRK  
J. KIRK: I lost an alien baking competition because i underbaked a cake, i’ve never been so ashamed.  
W. KIRK: Notwithstanding “alien baking competition,” how did you under bake a cake??  
J. KIRK: I don’t know!!! they had stupid 21st century convection ovens and i guess i didn’t preheat it well enough?  
W. KIRK: That would do it  
J. KIRK: it was going to be such a good cake tho! i used your trick and everything!!  
W. KIRK: Melt the butter before adding it in?  
J. KIRK: yes!!!!!  
W. KIRK: That’s alright honey you can make me one next time you’re home  
J. KIRK: thanks mom you know i will  
\--  
PERSONAL LOG, STARDATE 3262.32 / CMO LEONARD MCCOY  
Never in my life have I been more thankful for a food replicator, my lord. I ain’t half bad in the kitchen, I know my way around, but ask me to make a damn Vulcan ‘prusah kisan’ – vegan pie? I ain’t vegan, much less Vulcan! At least Jim got eliminated before me, I’ll be hanging this over his head for years. And Chekov too; that boy needed the inches knocked off of him about his damn ‘Russian cooking.’ Shame Sulu got out on the bread–thank my nanna for that one, she insisted on me learning to knead when I was seven and I guess I remembered well enough. It was fun, really, even if it was a bit tense in the end. Makes me wanna cook more, even though I’m not great at it.  
\--  
INTERNAL COMMUNICATIONS LOG, STARDATE 3258.13 / LT. NYOTA UHURA  
N. UHURA: can you believe it’s spock and janice at the end I’m wilding  
C. CHAPEL: omg i KNOW i’d never thought spock would’ve been good at cooking  
N. UHURA: I know it seems ~illogical~   
C. CHAPEL: so domestic smh I missed out  
N. UHURA: hey rude i made it to the semifinals!!!  
C. CHAPEL: i know honey you’re a great cook  
N. UHURA: thank u I know  
C. CHAPEL: will u cook me pancakes in our apartment  
N. UHURA: if you make me a mille-feuille  
C. CHAPEL: rude  
N. UHURA: i’ll make u pancakes its okay  
\--  
CAPTAIN’S LOG, RETROSPECTIVE, STARDATE 3262.98 / CPT. JAMES T. KIRK   
In the end, both Mr. Spock and Yeoman Rand made it into the final round, up against a native inhabitant. Luckily, Yeoman Rand was successful in making a very impressive ‘biscuit tower,’ despite Mr. Spock’s insistence that his was “more structurally sound.” Hers tasted way better though, though I better not let Spock hear me say that. Chocolate is just an important ingredient!   
We were able to repair the engine with the diranium from Rand’s trophy “cake stand,” though she was somewhat disappointed that it had to be destroyed in the process. I am planning on getting her a replacement when we arrive on the next starbase. We were able to get the go-ahead from Starbase 63 to finalize contact, and have scheduled an ambassador to visit in the next few weeks. The Bakers of Gabos seem thrilled at the concept of having more aliens to compete in their bake-offs; I am looking forward to the possibility of their equipment being updated to 23rd century standards. And for the chocolate cake I just replicated. Captain James T. Kirk, signing off.

**Author's Note:**

> This was so much fun to write! It's all crack, and most of the trek stuff is nonsense (like stardates, etc) except for the Vulcan pastry, which is real! Thanks to yel-halansu on tumblr for the Vulcan food posts. Happy baking!


End file.
